Parents’ intimate life

Before the Baby Arrives

Our sex life changes the moment we decide to try for a baby or when we find out that a baby is already (unexpectedly) on the way. The goal of sex is no longer just pleasure—it becomes, in the first case, conception. Trying for a baby often means scheduled sex, which may reduce spontaneity but can also bring more stability and predictability. Those who dislike surprises may feel safer with this routine, while those whose libido thrives on spontaneity may experience boredom or frustration.

And what happens when the baby is already developing inside the body? What happens to our sex life then? Well—it depends (such a classic psychologist’s answer!). A pregnant person’s libido does not automatically drop to -100. At least, not always. Closeness is a key element of feeling safe in a relationship, and the intimacy starts there. Only when we feel safe—both emotionally and physically—can our stress levels drop enough for us to experience pleasure (both sexual and non-sexual).

Sex during pregnancy is not forbidden or dangerous (unless your doctor or midwife has advised against it – if so, ask about other ways of being intimate to make sure they’re safe). It can be pleasurable for both partners, though it is usually different than before. Why? Because the body is going through intense changes, affecting its sensitivity to stimuli. What feels good and what causes discomfort may shift—for both partners. If something feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or awkward, it is absolutely worth talking about—without shame, with calmness and openness. Why? Because open communication, listening to each other with the intent to understand and support, is what keeps us feeling comfortable and connected.

As pregnancy progresses, finding a comfortable position may become more challenging. But let us not forget: sex is not just penetration. Caressing, kissing, licking, sucking, touching—these are all forms of intimacy that can be just as pleasurable, if not more. And here comes my favorite topic: communication. Don’t feel like doing something? Say it. Want something different? Say it. Curious to try something new? Say it. Your partner cannot read your mind. Even if you think about something very intensely, unless you say it out loud, the chances of them figuring it out are rather small.

Preparing for the Birth

The final weeks and days before labor are best when filled with calmness, intimacy, comfort (as much as possible), and tenderness. This can support the body’s natural readiness for labor and—perhaps—even contribute to a smoother physiological birth (this is not medical advice; every case is different, and I am referring here to a healthy pregnancy without complications or increased risk).

At this stage, oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone,” plays a crucial role. It is responsible for feelings of attachment, bonding, and closeness, but also for triggering uterine contractions and initiating labor. Its levels increase through touch, cuddling, and affection. At the same time, lowering cortisol, the stress hormone, is essential for a harmonious labor process—the less stress, the greater the chance that the body will follow its natural rhythm of birth.

And What About Sex After Birth?

The desire for sex may return quickly, or it may disappear for many months. Either way, the first 6-8 weeks are for rest and healing. Let’s respect the process that the body has undergone during nine months of pregnancy and birth, which leaves visible and invisible wounds that need time to heal. Hard to wait (for either of you)? Talk about it—share your feelings at the right moment, with awareness of the other person’s emotions and state, especially the one going through postpartum recovery, but not only them.

After birth, the body undergoes intense hormonal changes—a sudden drop in progesterone and estrogen, an increase in prolactin levels (especially with breastfeeding), and severe sleep deprivation all affect mood, energy levels, and libido. The stress of caring for a newborn—regardless of feeding method—adds to the mix. Mood swings, exhaustion, and irritability are not a sign of exaggeration or overreacting—they are a natural response of the body. This is a time that requires empathy, understanding, and support.

How do you find time for intimacy when your life revolves around diapers, sleep deprivation, body aches, emotional ups and downs, and a lack of time for yourself? Sometimes it is easier; sometimes, it feels impossible. But even while waiting for a “better time,” we can take care of each other in small ways: a good-morning or good-night kiss, a twenty-second massage when the baby is napping, cuddling for two minutes in bed, a gentle brush on the arm when passing in the kitchen. Jokes! Jokes have tremendous power—as long as both partners laugh.

And sex? How do you have sex when your baby sleeps in your bed? How do you do it when the child suddenly appears in your room? If there is no time for sex from A to Z, try sex from A to B. You do not always have to reach orgasm. You may not always have the right conditions to go as far as you would like. But even just starting—even two minutes of pleasure—can turn into a fun and exciting challenge, making the best of life’s unpredictable conditions.

But why all this effort? What difference do these little gestures make? A huge one. They help us not to forget each other. They remind us of the bond we had—and still have—as loving partners, not just as parents. They maintain our closeness and the sense of security that forms the foundation of both emotional and physical intimacy.

So do not forget those 1.5-second kisses and those twenty-second foot massages! They matter more than we often realize.
We do what we can, with the circumstances we have. Nothing more, nothing less.